i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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