if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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