this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
