Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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