SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
