I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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