on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
