I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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