White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
