Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
