fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
