"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
