I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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