Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
