so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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