I could make wine with my vomit
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
