i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
