great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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