she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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