Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
