kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
