We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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