I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
