I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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