Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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