Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Randomize
