There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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