Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
