It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
