My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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