If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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