I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
