did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
