My liver just broke up with me...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
