Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
