Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
