As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
is it fun? or sober?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
