I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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