When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
