Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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