her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
nutella sex= disaster
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
