So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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