and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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