What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
