I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I wear drunk well.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
