I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
