glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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