I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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