I'll bet she douches with gravy.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
