Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
