I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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