im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
